In the Spirit of Fun
by thisisforyou
Summary: Or, 101 People Eames is No Longer Allowed to Forge. Pure crack. Many, many cross-textual references. Slight Arthur/Eames.


**_A/N_: I started this aaages ago and then I got stuck. Thanks to some help from reviewers and the incredible Stefan, I have now finished it. **

**If I get enough requests I will probably expand on several of these in separate one-shots.**

* * *

1. Arthur's mother.

2. Arthur's sister.

3. Nash, unless I want to get shot in unpleasant but not fatal places.

4. Ariadne.

5. Any relation of Arthur's at all.

6. Saito's mistress. Things got out of hand rather quickly.

7. Arthur's landlady. While embarrassing the point man may be amusing to me, everyone else is getting sick of it.

8. Barack Obama.

9. Arnold Schwarzenegger, no matter how much Yusuf's subconscious was checking out my muscles.

10. Lord Voldemort.

11. Arthur's fifth form English teacher naked, even if he liked it.

12. Arthur's fifth form English teacher, period.

13. James Bond.

14. The Joker.

15. Edward Cullen; underestimating the effect on the teenaged projections in the high-school maze is no excuse.

16. Naked elderly women.

17. Naked elderly men.

18. Elvis.

19. Prostitutes, despite the dream taking place in a brothel.

20. Lady Godiva.

21. Margaret Thatcher. It's a Brit thing.

22. Gandalf. The fact that the mark had willingly handed over the information they were extracting is irrelevant; Arthur actually died of shock.

23. A doctor. CPR is not a valid excuse to kiss Arthur, his enjoyment in the activity notwithstanding.

23. That includes Doctor Who, Matt Smith, David Tennant, and any other actor in the franchise.

24. Doctor Watson. In _any_ form, even if cataloguing the way Arthur reacts to the different incarnations is infinitely fascinating.

25. Jack Sparrow.

26. Saito. No, it wasn't funny.

27. Simon Cowell. If Cobb hears one more mark perform "Barbie Girl" in the wrong key someone is going to suffer.

28. Mal's mother. According to Cobb's reaction, she's a fearsome lady.

29. Dracula.

30. Tom Cruise – having to sign autographs slows you down, apparently.

31. George Clooney – likewise.

32. Actors and actresses in general are not encouraged.

33. The Frankenstein monster.

34. Homer Simpson, no matter how big a feat of imagination that had been.

35. Likewise Peter Griffin, Buzz Lightyear, Elmer Fudd, and other cartoon characters. This is both impractical and highly immature.

36. Marilyn Monroe, especially when there are manholes around.

37. Dead bodies will get me no attention because nobody cares.

38. The girl behind the counter at the Espresso Room. That ship has sailed, and therefore Arthur is not impressed.

39. Ted Bundy.

40. Dolly Parton; Ariadne had almost been knocked out by my knockers, so to speak. Apparently that's not what they're for.

41. The Wicked Witch of the West.

42. Morpheus. Never mind if the "glitch in the Matrix" had freaked the subject into opening the safe.

43. Hitler. Enough said.

44. Zombies. Mass panic is rarely helpful.

45. Charles Bronson, intimidation factor notwithstanding.

46. Clowns. Some people – not including Cobb, of course – are morbidly afraid of them. Also, according to Arthur, it's cheating because there is no forgery necessary.

47. Shakespeare. I misquoted him anyway.

48. Superman. Largely unhelpful.

49. Forging a priest is wrong in so many ways. Especially in a brothel.

50. Charlie the Unicorn. Just… no.

51. Ariadne's little sister; it doesn't matter that I was entirely unaware I was about to get hit by a bus.

52. Not every teenaged girl has a crush on Arthur and therefore I should stop pretending that they do.

53. A mime. Not only is the white make-up and stripy costume extremely reminiscent of clowns, and we've _talked_ about that, but the whole not talking thing is more frustrating than you'd expect.

54. Aphrodite. Arthur, surprisingly, was not impressed.

55. Freddie Mercury, especially not in the middle of Vaseline Alley.

56. Any kind of Aristophanic hero – the phallus especially is just _crude_.

57. The Queen, unless the forgery _is_ absolutely necessary. No, seducing a playboy does not count.

58. James Dean. Ariadne has something of a crush, it seems.

59. Jesus.

60. Justin Beiber, or I WILL BE SHOT.

61. Illegal immigrants. At least, not until I can do a proper Mexican accent.

62. Andrew Scott's Professor Moriarty. The cuteness of Arthur's terrified squeak is not a mitigating factor.

63. Bane. Nor am I to question Arthur's reaction to this.

64. Rorschach.

65. Graham Norton. Not in any way helpful.

66. Steve Jobs. Being dead isn't always an advantage.

67. Pregnant women – unfair, and too slow.

68. Pregnant men. While this appeals to Arthur's inner fangirl it tends to confuse the subject.

69. Jackie Chan. 'Forging' does not encompass Kung-Fu skills, of which the 'real me' has none. Although personally this last is questionable.

70. The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.

71. Joseph Gordon-Levitt, even if it _was_ just to illustrate certain similarities between him and a certain Point Man of my acquaintance.

72. Magneto.

73. Bilbo Baggins. However cute, not really in any way helpful.

74. Mufasa. Resulting shudders notwithstanding.

75. Any rendition of Sherlock Holmes is likely to make the subject suspicious (occupational hazard of being the World's Only Consulting Detective).

76. Spock.

77. Julius Caesar.

78. Any kind of Dalek is frowned upon, by anyone except Arthur, apparently.

79. Cavemen. While this is an accurate portrayal of myself it is in no way helpful.

80. Jack Dawson. Even if Cobb does look like him gone to seed.

81. Jeremy Clarkson, unless the setting is appropriate.

82. A café does not count as 'appropriate' for forging celebrities as this just distracts the subject.

83. The Old Spice Man.

84. A horse. Arthur does _not_ need to be swept off his feet in this manner.

85. Hermione Granger. More irritating than informative.

86. Megamind.

87. George Bush will not make me popular.

88. Anything N'avi.

89. Forrest Gump.

90. One more iteration of _Dammit, Cobb!_ In Leonard McCoy's voice is going to get me stabbed.

91. Hannibal Lector.

92. Bob Dylan – the voice takes more mastering than I anticipated.

93. A younger, taller, musclier, generally better-looking version of myself. This is just unfair.

94. Angelina Jolie. Or Maleficent.

95. Jigsaw.

96. Lance Armstrong – especially if the sole purpose of this is to overtake people on the sidewalk.

97. Lawrence of Arabia.

98. Bernard Black. Simply unhygienic.

99. Any of the Men in Black.

100. Robin Williams, especially if I would insist on opening my mouth.

101. Never, ever, under no circumstances, emergency or fatality included, in any way, shape or form, with absolutely no exception am I to emulate Arthur.


End file.
